business casual impaired

I'm going to bitch about clothes, sorry.  I have not had a cigarette or coffee yet today so it will be angry and may or may not make any sense.   

The last time I found myself in possession of new clothing was (fx: shimmery flashback screen) either this spring when Christopher's mom gave me a few of her old clothes from the '70s, or last Christmas when my mom bought me two nice shirts.  I literally cannot remember the last time I went shopping for myself, or spent money on clothes for myself.    

I have a total of about three or four shirts that would be appropriate for the businessplace, and most of them look shabby and worn.  I have two pairs of khakis, one all stained and torn from working food service and the other a mens' pair that are not only way too big but also on their way to the same state.  I have one pair of serviceable black pants that were all torn up by kitten claws.  

I never know what to wear.  Whenever I put on anything besides jeans and a t-shirt, I immediately feel like I'm in a costume of some sort, playing another person.  I like dressing in fun things, but whenever I put on a skirt or a low-cut shirt I can feel the fibers start seeping into my DNA and I am not who I was a moment ago.  I go out with friends or whatever and I enjoy myself, but the entire time my mind is occupied with the same thoughts over and over "How do these clothes look?  How do I look in these clothes?  How does my ass look?  Do I look like I am trying too hard?  Do I look like an oblivious fat girl who's trying to be trendy?"

I feel as though I'm drawing attention to myself by wearing certain things, which is selfish, and slutty.  

   

I can't afford new clothes.  I just, like, can't, and it is a frustrating situation.  I don't know what to wear to work because whenever I try to ask questions about things I get subtle non-answers, like "Oh, you know, whatever!  Just professional!"  And I don't know if the person really means that or if they will see what I wear and judge me, thinking I am not taking things seriously, or that I don't care.  

I am going to cry I need to stop this nonsense now.