Wednesday, September 26, 2012

anemic dreamnotes

i dreamed that a small leopard owned by my sister came in my apartment through the window, intent on attacking my cats.  i was sluggish and couldn't stop it in time and it mutilated one of their hindquarters before i grabbed it by the neck and hurled it back out [the way wild animals are solidly muscled under skin].  i dream about my cats when it feels like i have a lot to take care of, life-wise.  or i dream about kittens or birds, dozens of them in fantastic colors that i am now in charge of looking after.
when i have a fight with close friends i dream about my sister.  when i fight with a close friend i usually dream i am beating the fuck out of my little sister, except my fists are slow and mushy.
i guess i'm writing about dream things.  i have not been dreaming much lately, but it's starting to pick up again and sometimes leave me feeling a terrible implacable sadness that lingers into the day like smoke.  these are autumn feelings maybe.
i dreamed the apocalypse again the other morning, it started in the rocky mountains and a widening hole opened up in the earth that grew.  when you're on top of a mountain the rest of the world feels impossible to grasp; the chasm was like that but a black anti-finality plunging downward, growing.  you're with packs of people [the way eyes look in disaster scenarios]. at the end it began to rain, and the rain turned to a soft white slush and the only sound was the hushed pat-pat-pat of precipitation over the dull throaty wind noise of the chasm.  i woke feeling sad and accepting about the end of the world.

it took me a month to get my car fixed.  this was a discouraging mental block i'd like to avoid more, seeing an easy solution but being paralyzed by some unnameable sluggishness.  i am checking many things off of many lists with tenacity.  i am really "manifesting" in ways i find pleasing, i like to think.  i am turning twenty-six years old very soon, this is mostly just fine.  things are pretty eerily great and i feel pretty solid in the world.  just great. 


Wednesday, September 12, 2012


i am writing more.  it's autumn/september when my poembrain starts crackling into focus.  i am going to post some of the "chain of thought" type things i've been writing lately to get me going.  it's been a push for me to like begin describing in expressive ways how much these past months have changed/grown me.  and how pleased i am with life in gen.  for this writing however i could not be more humble/shy regarding the quality hi welcome to my blog.  here they are, here i go.

i want
rough paws
I want to always like myself this much this
goddamn much
I want everyone to know
I am frequently thinking of them and ways to make
them happier.  I am
trying hard to shake off
my hubris; jealousy. It
has not been too hard I just
have to keep saying "quit
having hubris" or "quit having
jealousy." IT FEELS SO FREE

I also found one of the
only things that has really
helped has been to stare at myself
in a mirror and repeat
the words
until i feel better

More nonsensesense.
Mand shaking a jug o veg.

Smoked cigarettes for
five years.
Obsessively hated my body
and threw up a lot of food
for 8 years. 8 8 8
hated me. so strange.

It feels nice not to have
to carry anything so heavy.
The years i lost
went by troubling swift.

and it's still hard.
recently I ate too much cheese
or talked about eating
too much cheese.
Last year I started
Chinese class. There
is not much cheese in
China, but they do like
rotted bean things --
fulfill our human love
of the unctuous rotting
food thing.  Lactic fungi.

My hair is at least
doubly long.  Lightest
blonde at the ends where
it was once dyed black.
I have let several people
touch my hair and mouth.

I have learned some measure
of patience, tho suspect
it is a middling measure.
a patience on a short leash.
OR this may be a
summer that stretches
pinging through my decades,
like a novel with many
misunderstood wives.

I can calmly accept
change sometimes,
firm myself in calmness
for the wringing I'm
undoubtedly set to face.

Either i will be crushed
or I will crush myself
with wanting.

a fly on the
cashew gingerbrew
soon you'll know all i
know about trees and
what then.

Only speak in fingers.
I once knew some shit
Once only I knew
some shit I knew, there
were thousands in red.
We couldn't compete
but kissed fondly instead.

I only speak in orgasm.
the others
wasted me.
Yes okay so I needed
rescuing but if you
show me how to
shoot I am sure to
be invaluable to the
rebellion effort.

Nobody taught me about
machines but I can
see how they work if
I look I just don't
know the names.

expecting to be
may be cruel.

I am cruel.
I am self-centered.
I want a story.
I want to get off.


caught the first of the
winter screams these
past 2 days --
put me down more.
I want to hear
my faults and fix them
with love
I am fatalistically

I need to be coddled
sometimes especially when
I am feeling jealous
and anxious.  I try
not to feel these things.

I am enraged by
the failure of others
to be as attentive as
I am.
I am enraged? idk.
I want to hurt
them to make it
because i hurt

I can eat you
so slowly you won't
even notice.

Swaller. er.

I am cold hands playing
in yr noodle stew.
Clinical excision
on a whim.

by January I
am astride the roaring
king dragon
of feeling too much.

Super stuff it down
time.  A red fly eye.
Young girl thighs.
Competition, Alpha
bitch.  Love me please.
Magnolia leaftongue.

There is no thing more
maddening than
a fly who keeps landing
on legs.

Like a fly.  Like rubber
colored flies with red
eyes tonguing the
magnolia leaves of my

Like get up,
Sorry these bitches don't
take your subtle
neuroses into consideration.
Sorry some stuff about
you sucks and yr bored
bored bored as a kind of chronic

Be less careful.  Care
more.  Consider
how many girls had
young hard thighs
under magnolia trees
with a jay sing-songing
above, two notes, high-low.

Was it a windy day
when. When. When.
When. When. When. When.
When. Can you let go
of who
mishandled and crushed you

Have you stayed too long
in lincoln? did you not
get taught how to pursue
an exciting and fulfilling
career being cool?


Hair and flies tickling everywhere
in the winter i want
to be clean of these

bench bush. bare asses.
the wind magnolia
skitter leaves. splinter.
you killed yr brain with
drugs and computers.
you suck at everything now.

Everyone will only ever crush and bore you so keep
yourself entertained.
it's not a fault.

The earth wad.
Sick hilltop orgasm.
Months go by.

There's probably a song
about it that does a
better job of explaining.

Seek further inspiration.
Be so confused by yr
femaleness.  Ask for
help but not really.

Give and give and give
and give and give and give
and give and give and give

what sticks anymore
ya lint logged.
Stuck a fur of splinters
Easy like ***

I am so bored with being
I am bored by the
limited imagery
available to me when
I seek it in my
head space.
I approach gathering new
imagery as a translation
of sensation to language.

i want to write beautiful and true things
but don't know if i ever have or will.

how do i outsmart myself.

series or gears
smells of rain
should go