Wednesday, March 27, 2013

sure don't post in this blog much anymore

i always hate when people do the vanity "i'm taking down this blog/twitter/webpage.... goodbye forever" posts and i will never.  it feels so withholding.  i think a major thing that irritates me in life is the feeling that someone i'm interested in is being withholding to me.  i am curious.  it is my selfish failing or perhaps talent about which i am most intensive; the way some people are so driven.  i saw a photo of a woman who danced on ballet pointe shoes atop a row of wine bottles.  the caption said her name and that "she practiced 8 hours a day to do this".  this is what i mean, the way some people have an aggressive want to focus so doggedly on a thing, which i often feel defective for mostly lacking.
i think when i was a child i was really bright and everyone around me said "do what you want, you can do anything", and i'm stuck having never grown out of that.  i'm here looking fleetingly from one thing that snags my attention to the next.  being not super comfortable interacting with people in person has only helped this develop the aspects of this into a distant, persistent curiosity.
or maybe it is just a seasons-changing, transient thing i am feeling lately because of the monotony of leaflessness on the gray sky.  the little pebble of bravery trembling in my deeps. like i always feel then forget i felt then recall.

i wish my mind was a cloud of knowledge that could settle gently over everyone and everything.
breathe me into your lungs and let me stay awhile in the lattice of cells.
i will not hurt you unless i sense some fear or weakness that i judge to be "lame."
i'm really sorry about this, it's just that i see how it poisons you.
and bores me.
and tell me all your