tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23278966898648675442024-02-20T10:47:20.970-06:00The Fucked Generationsarshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00142750668667683532noreply@blogger.comBlogger602125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2327896689864867544.post-3824776653620747242013-09-04T22:17:00.001-05:002013-09-04T22:22:09.317-05:00tree poem<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
lean into me i am<br />
scabbed over so my strong neck<br />
can support you<br />
<br />
or you can go, remember me in<br />
a few years and come on by;<br />
i will have risen perhaps<br />
a few inches <br />
<br />
sap sucker i just wish to own your<br />
face where i split<br />
<br />
and i wish more folks<br />
would pay attention to my<br />
careful documentation of the years;<br />
see i'm unable to practice sufficient divination<br />
for being caught in<br />
the suck<br />
<br />
i'm the girl who was an auger.<br />
and where did august go<br />
here in my almost<br />
twenty-seventh year</div>
sarshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00142750668667683532noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2327896689864867544.post-35524183922350867792013-08-09T17:39:00.004-05:002013-08-09T17:39:49.634-05:00<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
today i was feeling lost and<br />
stood in front of a mirror masticating<br />
a log of string cheese<br />
watching carefully<br />
and thought "i'm only a poet<br />
because i can't live without<br />
making a sad story out of<br />
everything that happens."</div>
sarshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00142750668667683532noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2327896689864867544.post-72732728255273427842013-05-09T23:09:00.002-05:002013-05-09T23:12:06.428-05:00exercise<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
i'm no good<br />
i'm no good<br />
i'm no good<br />
i'm no good<br />
i'm no good<br />
i am fiercely and emphatically no good<br />
<br />
i'm a crouching lil devil girl inside a bigger devil girl<br />
i am VIGILANT FOR TRANSGRESSIONS;<br />
restrained in imposing and slippery ways<br />
<br />
i once cut my hand on a fish it is one of the things i have<br />
opened my skin on, fit some slicer<br />
between the cells<br />
this girl i worked with had scars striping all up her arms and<br />
i wanted impulsively to snatch them for kissing<br />
<br />
by the by<br />
i'm a silly split-end scissorer<br />
a princess who ate a poisoned ruby<br />
and became a middle-class witch<br />
<br />
balking at how spooky it is to be<br />
fully plugged-in <br />
if i could just stay<br />
behind my eyes<br />
<br />
i've tried lately to seem softer<br />
by filling my brain up with flowers<br />
i look at your face area and think<br />
my brain is a wad of peonies<br />
i'm thinking<br />
peonies, peonies, peonies<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
sarshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00142750668667683532noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2327896689864867544.post-16235629077973357472013-04-09T11:36:00.001-05:002013-04-09T11:36:35.898-05:00mettling<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
i'm forming a more complete picture every moment. <br />
<br />
i'm foaming up thick fluids and slipping down between bubble membranes.<br />
<br />
laughing, "i can dissolve at will."<br />
<br />
i can't be outpaced if i don't exist.<br />
<br />
or dog logic; try to cut each other off.<br />
<br />
dog logic; gorge.<br />
<br />
my organs aren't crying out yet.<br />
<br />
i'm providing a hammock.<br />
<br />
a detailed list of bearings.<br />
<br />
a hand that could just grab anyone.<br />
<br />
a tongue that goes on like a gray bird, "i could do, could do, could do."<br />
<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
sarshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00142750668667683532noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2327896689864867544.post-50749204089990721412013-03-27T20:23:00.003-05:002013-03-27T20:33:58.550-05:00sure don't post in this blog much anymore<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
i always hate when people do the vanity "i'm taking down this blog/twitter/webpage.... goodbye forever" posts and i will never. it feels so withholding. i think a major thing that irritates me in life is the feeling that someone i'm interested in is being withholding to me. i am curious. it is my selfish failing or perhaps talent about which i am most intensive; the way some people are so driven. i saw a photo of a woman who danced on ballet pointe shoes atop a row of wine bottles. the caption said her name and that "she practiced 8 hours a day to do this". this is what i mean, the way some people have an aggressive want to focus so doggedly on a thing, which i often feel defective for mostly lacking.<br />
i think when i was a child i was really bright and everyone around me said "do what you want, you can do anything", and i'm stuck having never grown out of that. i'm here looking fleetingly from one thing that snags my attention to the next. being not super comfortable interacting with people in person has only helped this develop the aspects of this into a distant, persistent curiosity.<br />
or maybe it is just a seasons-changing, transient thing i am feeling lately because of the monotony of leaflessness on the gray sky. the little pebble of bravery trembling in my deeps. like i always feel then forget i felt then recall.<br />
<br />
i wish my mind was a cloud of knowledge that could settle gently over everyone and everything.<br />
breathe me into your lungs and let me stay awhile in the lattice of cells.<br />
i will not hurt you unless i sense some fear or weakness that i judge to be "lame."<br />
i'm really sorry about this, it's just that i see how it poisons you.<br />
and bores me.<br />
and tell me all your<br />
secrets.<br />
sque<br />
eze<br />
me<br />
in<br />
to<br />
your<br />
inner<br />
circle. <br />
<br />
</div>
sarshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00142750668667683532noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2327896689864867544.post-63438827510032093362013-01-10T10:48:00.001-06:002013-01-10T10:48:56.554-06:00mid-jan dream land<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
i dream i'm visiting my family but their house is a different one, dated heavy brick/wood and out in the country. in my care are three small birds, each a different color, that i bring inside and say i need to look after. at some point two of the birds are startled and fly away from me, and i scramble to catch the black and orange one on the mantle except my family's dog has seen it too, and beats me to it by inches. i think, oh no, oh no, and there is a wet crunch in the dog's mouth. i feel just terrible. the dog keeps crunching my little bird's bones. i try to be okay with it, and let it go.<br />
<br />
when i'm not dreaming there's a chasm in my chest-area that i keep tumbling into unless i distract myself. it's okay and it won't last forever. all day i have random, vivid memories of rooms i was in as a child. the kitchen of my family friends' grandma's house in ogallala. i walk to and from work and around downtown lincoln like i have for the past few years. i remember the auditorium of tri county k-12 school. at lunch i sit in sp ce reading comic books, scooting my chair across the floor to keep my face in the sun as it moves across the wall in the afternoon. i remember how my parents' friend cindy taught me how to get an eyelash out of your eye by holding the lid outward and blinking. i think about what to do with my life, about what it would be to get a new job and move somewhere alone. it seems terrifying but like a strength i could have if i needed to. i write in my little red book and it's all dumb rambling. i haven't tried to write love poems yet, because they feel too magical/powerful, but i will soon. i try to tell people how i'm feeling but it comes out as "i'm crazy, sorry, i'm crazy, i'm fine".<br />
<br />
in a dream i go to my childhood friend courtney's house, in the country again. there are brown horses wandering outside, a sturdy woman lets us in and i go to the basement. people my age are hanging out like a party. some things are normal but in other places there are sloping pits in the floor with plates of bent metal, and metal railings on the stairs with a gap you have to squeeze your skull through to get by. i cut off half of my toe on something on the floor and it bleeds and aches. i try to bandage it. the people i'm with frown at it but don't really help. i keep going ow, it hurts, and looking down to see half of my toe flapping off, then hanging by a thin strip of skin, then the half separates from me. these other pretty girls who are there happen to have packages of medical gauze and neosporin, which they give to me with drunken sympathy. i dress the wound and go upstairs. there are tabby cats and kittens on the kitchen table. i go outside and cindy's husband pat is there, shirtless and very muscular. they are castrating the horses, weirdly. the screaming horses are tied down to the ground and they cut off their testicles, then dump wheelbarrows of smoldering embers and ash on the wound. i leave to waking.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
sarshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00142750668667683532noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2327896689864867544.post-36148641278479590672012-12-27T17:52:00.000-06:002012-12-27T17:52:04.744-06:0012/27<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
for the past couple days i've been sort of jogging to/from work, in a fit of missing the exercise from and swiftness of my bicycle. there is still so much ice everywhere. the running is kind of awkward in my work clothes with a jostling backpack but it's okay, it feels like i might be starting on some kind of quest. too soon the flesh in my mittens is wet and there is a steamy halo spreading under my fur hat.<br />
<br />
today on my way home i startled a hawk a few feet to my left. it was first just a curt whoosh of air and a cloud of gray feathers, from the pigeon he'd been eating. he landed nearby on the overpass and regarded me sternly before continuing to eat. where he had been was a patch of bright red blood and yellow corn spilled undigested from the pigeon's gizzard. <br />
<br />
that's pretty much all that happened so far today besides staring at tumblr at work (and working some). i guess we'll see what else happens. </div>
sarshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00142750668667683532noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2327896689864867544.post-5746221016384451462012-12-20T22:15:00.000-06:002012-12-20T22:17:19.667-06:00fermata to solstice & farther<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
do you remember how many moths there were last spring<br />
someone said they blew up from down south<br />
there's something off with the climate now<br />
as we cruise gravity-less further from childhood;<br />
last spring it was moths<br />
and explosions of roses<br />
<br />
my seasons are eating each other but not like<br />
fish eat each other, in slippery gulps, more like<br />
a lion eats his own cub<br />
<br />
i have long found it <br />
difficult to focus.<br />
<br />
and everything<br />
else is eaten by boredom.<br />
i can steel my ribs well enough now<br />
at least.<br />
<br />
and i crumble now and then from<br />
this lady body or <br />
because of a typical dad-given unease<br />
i don't know<br />
do other dads give their kids eating disorders??<br />
<br />
sometimes i can imagine<br />
my spirit animal is a shark<br />
when i put my black eyes in<br />
smelling blood<br />
<br />
bleeding like a stuck smiling <br />
tell the world<br />
i'm sorry it's so easy<br />
to love me<br />
<br />
because imitation<br />
is no different from authentic<br />
in the water<br />
<br />
and it took/is taking me longer to learn<br />
how a natural animal<br />
should want to</div>
sarshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00142750668667683532noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2327896689864867544.post-22168403358675724782012-10-23T17:20:00.001-05:002012-10-23T23:28:35.045-05:00spooky poem 1<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
a wet itchy dock and a bark-boat that<br />
will maybe be our vessel bound<br />
<br />
for seams, slots for my pennyfingers,<br />
weeping botfly holes.<br />
<br />
i've been accepting my death already in dreams,<br />
mom hands me white handfuls of pills. <br />
<br />
swallow gnats mouthing in your voice<br />
the fine gentle names for me that settled from the silt-stir. <br />
<br />
i've just been looking for<br />
slits to dip my penny painted fingers in.<br />
<br />
lashing on heavy bundles to<br />
be fed to the portal.</div>
sarshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00142750668667683532noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2327896689864867544.post-1808498350813513022012-10-15T18:06:00.002-05:002012-10-15T18:16:32.336-05:00tenth month<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
i dreamed my cat dandy had kittens but something wasn't right and nobody would listen. she had birthed two and i knew one at least was still inside but nobody would listen. i could see it through her belly skin which was milky semi-opaque like dough stretched thin. eventually i could poke my fingers in through a hole in the skin and pull the gray mouse-sized kitten out. things were okay then.<br />
<br />
life is good.<br />
though the day-job lately leaves me feeling like a half-thick undergrown fruit at the end of the vine that's decaying to a shriveled umbilicus. stunted. <br />
i feel ready to feel the readiness to slip down another channel.<br />
once i you know figure that shit out.<br />
<br />
my energy is shunted elsewhere.<br />
i meditate by cooking.<br />
i day-dream about my good man.<br />
i try to keep feeding my friends<br />
as we meet in this day-waning landscape<br />
amidst a variety of simulated warfares.<br />
us vs. them in high definition.<br />
<br />
how many good days do you think we'll have.</div>
sarshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00142750668667683532noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2327896689864867544.post-88808609319148637492012-10-07T23:51:00.000-05:002012-10-07T23:51:03.624-05:00religion<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi__m8BOnKEGANpWIbYdFRFWpbQbr03rrzuLlN7wdhrZoGOBAw6YvjpBHt2cYSDqRj2S1iqjX6ASFiUQzoJKeQM_km3Agj7gfy7htQ5RDr7rYu4gQ6GxXyXMy-fY9O7j1gWfkIWRzbe_e9A/s1600/religion.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi__m8BOnKEGANpWIbYdFRFWpbQbr03rrzuLlN7wdhrZoGOBAw6YvjpBHt2cYSDqRj2S1iqjX6ASFiUQzoJKeQM_km3Agj7gfy7htQ5RDr7rYu4gQ6GxXyXMy-fY9O7j1gWfkIWRzbe_e9A/s320/religion.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br /></div>
sarshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00142750668667683532noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2327896689864867544.post-26320634298874073472012-09-26T17:01:00.001-05:002012-09-26T17:04:13.613-05:00anemic dreamnotes<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
i dreamed that a small leopard owned by my sister came in my apartment through the window, intent on attacking my cats. i was sluggish and couldn't stop it in time and it mutilated one of their hindquarters before i grabbed it by the neck and hurled it back out [the way wild animals are solidly muscled under skin]. i dream about my cats when it feels like i have a lot to take care of, life-wise. or i dream about kittens or birds, dozens of them in fantastic colors that i am now in charge of looking after.<br />
when i have a fight with close friends i dream about my sister. when i fight with a close friend i usually dream i am beating the fuck out of my little sister, except my fists are slow and mushy.<br />
i guess i'm writing about dream things. i have not been dreaming much lately, but it's starting to pick up again and sometimes leave me feeling a terrible implacable sadness that lingers into the day like smoke. these are autumn feelings maybe.<br />
i dreamed the apocalypse again the other morning, it started in the rocky mountains and a widening hole opened up in the earth that grew. when you're on top of a mountain the rest of the world feels impossible to grasp; the chasm was like that but a black anti-finality plunging downward, growing. you're with packs of people [the way eyes look in disaster scenarios]. at the end it began to rain, and the rain turned to a soft white slush and the only sound was the hushed pat-pat-pat of precipitation over the dull throaty wind noise of the chasm. i woke feeling sad and accepting about the end of the world.<br />
<br />
it took me a month to get my car fixed. this was a discouraging mental block i'd like to avoid more, seeing an easy solution but being paralyzed by some unnameable sluggishness. i am checking many things off of many lists with tenacity. i am really "manifesting" in ways i find pleasing, i like to think. i am turning twenty-six years old very soon, this is mostly just fine. things are pretty eerily great and i feel pretty solid in the world. just great. <br />
<br />
</div>
sarshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00142750668667683532noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2327896689864867544.post-9692162081826341782012-09-12T19:27:00.000-05:002012-09-12T19:37:30.668-05:00HI IT'S ME // SOME KIND OF BANDIT<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
i am writing more. it's autumn/september when my poembrain starts crackling into focus. i am going to post some of the "chain of thought" type things i've been writing lately to get me going. it's been a push for me to like begin describing in expressive ways how much these past months have changed/grown me. and how pleased i am with life in gen. for this writing however i could not be more humble/shy regarding the quality hi welcome to my blog. here they are, here i go.<br />
<br />
i want <br />
rough paws<br />
I want to always like myself this much this <br />
goddamn much<br />
I want everyone to know <br />
I am frequently thinking of them and ways to make<br />
them happier. I am<br />
trying hard to shake off<br />
my hubris; jealousy. It <br />
has not been too hard I just<br />
have to keep saying "quit<br />
having hubris" or "quit having <br />
jealousy." IT FEELS SO FREE<br />
<br />
I also found one of the<br />
only things that has really<br />
helped has been to stare at myself<br />
in a mirror and repeat<br />
the words<br />
AUTONOMY<br />
FREEDOM<br />
RESPECT<br />
until i feel better<br />
<br />
Less REAL TALK.<br />
More nonsensesense.<br />
Sandwiches.<br />
Eyewhites.<br />
Mand shaking a jug o veg.<br />
<br />
Smoked cigarettes for<br />
five years.<br />
Obsessively hated my body<br />
and threw up a lot of food<br />
for 8 years. 8 8 8<br />
hated me. so strange.<br />
<br />
It feels nice not to have <br />
to carry anything so heavy.<br />
The years i lost<br />
went by troubling swift.<br />
<br />
and it's still hard.<br />
recently I ate too much cheese <br />
or talked about eating<br />
too much cheese.<br />
Last year I started<br />
Chinese class. There <br />
is not much cheese in <br />
China, but they do like<br />
rotted bean things --<br />
fulfill our human love<br />
of the unctuous rotting<br />
food thing. Lactic fungi.<br />
<br />
My hair is at least<br />
doubly long. Lightest<br />
blonde at the ends where<br />
it was once dyed black.<br />
I have let several people <br />
touch my hair and mouth.<br />
<br />
I have learned some measure <br />
of patience, tho suspect<br />
it is a middling measure.<br />
a patience on a short leash.<br />
OR this may be a<br />
summer that stretches <br />
pinging through my decades,<br />
like a novel with many<br />
misunderstood wives.<br />
<br />
I can calmly accept <br />
change sometimes,<br />
firm myself in calmness<br />
for the wringing I'm<br />
undoubtedly set to face.<br />
<br />
Either i will be crushed<br />
or I will crush myself<br />
with wanting.<br />
<br />
HEMORRHAGE<br />
a fly on the<br />
leaflitter.<br />
cashew gingerbrew<br />
soon you'll know all i <br />
know about trees and<br />
what then.<br />
<br />
Only speak in fingers.<br />
I once knew some shit<br />
Once only I knew<br />
some shit I knew, there<br />
were thousands in red.<br />
We couldn't compete<br />
but kissed fondly instead.<br />
<br />
I only speak in orgasm.<br />
the others<br />
wasted me.<br />
Yes okay so I needed<br />
rescuing but if you<br />
show me how to<br />
shoot I am sure to<br />
be invaluable to the<br />
rebellion effort.<br />
<br />
Nobody taught me about<br />
machines but I can<br />
see how they work if<br />
I look I just don't<br />
know the names.<br />
<br />
expecting to be<br />
disappointed<br />
may be cruel.<br />
<br />
I am cruel.<br />
No.<br />
I am self-centered.<br />
I want a story.<br />
I want to get off.<br />
<br />
DO I DESERVE<br />
KINDNESS?<br />
<br />
caught the first of the <br />
winter screams these<br />
past 2 days --<br />
put me down more.<br />
I want to hear<br />
my faults and fix them<br />
with love<br />
I am fatalistically<br />
calm.<br />
<br />
I need to be coddled<br />
sometimes especially when<br />
I am feeling jealous<br />
and anxious. I try<br />
not to feel these things.<br />
<br />
I am enraged by <br />
the failure of others<br />
to be as attentive as<br />
I am.<br />
I am enraged? idk.<br />
I want to hurt <br />
them to make it<br />
"fair"<br />
because i hurt<br />
exquisitely.<br />
<br />
I can eat you<br />
so slowly you won't<br />
even notice.<br />
<br />
Swaller. er.<br />
<br />
I am cold hands playing<br />
in yr noodle stew.<br />
Clinical excision <br />
on a whim.<br />
<br />
by January I<br />
am astride the roaring<br />
king dragon<br />
of feeling too much.<br />
<br />
Super stuff it down<br />
time. A red fly eye.<br />
Young girl thighs.<br />
Competition, Alpha<br />
bitch. Love me please.<br />
Magnolia leaftongue.<br />
<br />
There is no thing more<br />
maddening than<br />
a fly who keeps landing<br />
on legs.<br />
<br />
Like a fly. Like rubber<br />
colored flies with red<br />
eyes tonguing the<br />
magnolia leaves of my<br />
legs.<br />
<br />
Like get up, <br />
Sorry these bitches don't<br />
take your subtle<br />
neuroses into consideration.<br />
Sorry some stuff about <br />
you sucks and yr bored<br />
bored bored as a kind of chronic<br />
affliction. <br />
<br />
Be less careful. Care<br />
more. Consider<br />
how many girls had<br />
young hard thighs<br />
under magnolia trees<br />
with a jay sing-songing<br />
above, two notes, high-low.<br />
<br />
Was it a windy day <br />
when. When. When.<br />
When. When. When. When.<br />
When. Can you let go<br />
of who<br />
mishandled and crushed you<br />
<br />
Have you stayed too long<br />
in lincoln? did you not<br />
get taught how to pursue<br />
an exciting and fulfilling<br />
career being cool?<br />
<br />
HEY LONER<br />
<br />
Hair and flies tickling everywhere<br />
in the winter i want<br />
to be clean of these<br />
<br />
bench bush. bare asses.<br />
the wind magnolia<br />
skitter leaves. splinter.<br />
you killed yr brain with<br />
drugs and computers.<br />
you suck at everything now.<br />
<br />
Everyone will only ever crush and bore you so keep<br />
yourself entertained.<br />
it's not a fault.<br />
<br />
The earth wad.<br />
Sick hilltop orgasm.<br />
Months go by.<br />
<br />
There's probably a song<br />
about it that does a <br />
better job of explaining.<br />
<br />
Seek further inspiration.<br />
Be so confused by yr<br />
femaleness. Ask for<br />
help but not really.<br />
<br />
Give and give and give<br />
and give and give and give<br />
and give and give and give<br />
<br />
what sticks anymore<br />
ya lint logged.<br />
Stuck a fur of splinters<br />
in.<br />
Easy like ***<br />
<br />
I am so bored with being <br />
self-obessed<br />
I am bored by the <br />
limited imagery<br />
available to me when <br />
I seek it in my<br />
head space.<br />
I approach gathering new<br />
imagery as a translation<br />
of sensation to language.<br />
<br />
i want to write beautiful and true things<br />
but don't know if i ever have or will.<br />
<br />
how do i outsmart myself.<br />
<br />
series or gears<br />
smells of rain<br />
should go</div>
sarshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00142750668667683532noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2327896689864867544.post-84814252841316568922012-07-24T20:05:00.001-05:002012-07-24T20:05:37.889-05:00hibernation<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/2cJtf2u2U6g" width="560"></iframe></div>sarshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00142750668667683532noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2327896689864867544.post-33596131727166029932012-06-29T16:32:00.000-05:002012-06-29T16:35:58.477-05:00the only pornography i've ever paid money for was bad hentai on vhs when i was 13<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
you've been given<br />
a hival outcasted mound lobe<br />
to gut around in<br />
<br />
this foundling<br />
reached up to an udder,<br />
blighted rosegold rimmings nipped<br />
all swum eyeball-deep<br />
down access channels <br />
sniffing for a kind of chemical<br />
an unmother sourness <br />
that you once suckered<br />
in little solip clusters<br />
<br />
start a feisty beg and chew <br />
you deuceface<br />
muster a caterwaul of <br />
how now to produce <br />
who am i in a clench<br />
and sowing and sow <br />
or go bust</div>sarshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00142750668667683532noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2327896689864867544.post-48049603174658244042012-06-26T19:37:00.000-05:002012-06-26T19:37:08.387-05:00drought-rot<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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</div>sarshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00142750668667683532noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2327896689864867544.post-63941249339419357942012-06-10T08:59:00.002-05:002012-06-10T08:59:41.850-05:00hotel california<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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cher with her mother in nelson, ne, looking out the window of her mother-in-law's kitchen after planning larry's funeral. i don't know why i took this on my phone but she had been standing there for awhile and it was very still. <br />
<br />
these are strange days.</div>sarshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00142750668667683532noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2327896689864867544.post-79547129101690460222012-06-04T18:26:00.000-05:002012-06-04T18:26:13.304-05:00whet<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
i blister prettily,<br />
delineating <br />
who i used to be <br />
<br />
chew down to verbs, <br />
a lot of itchy shedding,<br />
icy cabochon eyes under<br />
unclouding meltwater<br />
<br />
tried to<br />
trust in my mouth parts,<br />
tap accept, accept<br />
on the window milk,<br />
<br />
so eschew me,<br />
chameleonness <br />
sink holing or swole <br />
<br />
under young leafs i <br />
sat and sang O give me<br />
a home<br />
in autonomy <br />
ever more, a-<br />
men <br />
<br />
and i like you blowing down<br />
on me softly<br />
while i dance off these legs</div>sarshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00142750668667683532noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2327896689864867544.post-43208371257052484202012-05-30T13:49:00.001-05:002012-05-30T13:49:04.339-05:00self portrait in may<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<br />
i wrote a bunch of semi-apologetic/deprecating/gender/edisorder and explanatory words under this blurry photo of myself, but instead: here internet, enjoy my back and bad-ass crusher arm, i like to imagine the other one's tiny and shriveled like i'm a fiddler crab. <br />
i like changing.<br />
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<br /></div>sarshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00142750668667683532noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2327896689864867544.post-39823228545097377542012-05-18T17:01:00.001-05:002012-05-18T17:01:11.270-05:00spider comic<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;">click for big</span></div>
<br />
a thing i saw a spider do today.<br />
<br />
this comic is pretty indicative of how my work/life week has gone.</div>sarshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00142750668667683532noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2327896689864867544.post-64072439528345298792012-05-10T20:31:00.001-05:002012-05-11T11:09:19.967-05:00carrying on<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
a distillation<br />
patience for favor<br />
<br />
learnd i'm my own<br />
ace up my carapace<br />
<br />
everything i keep <br />
under my skin<br />
<br />
feeding shred<br />
to baby bruises<br />
<br />
on my biceps<br />
where i bite myself <br />
<br />
and brave enough<br />
muscled up to hammer<br />
<br />
just an american body<br />
not even hiding</div>sarshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00142750668667683532noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2327896689864867544.post-6436226662971506902012-05-02T18:34:00.000-05:002012-05-02T21:33:20.458-05:00approaching a big moon<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
feeling kind of i don't know<br />
cocky or<br />
invincible, but antsy<br />
and cautious<br />
the season is ripening<br />
i bought a big map of the world<br />
like i just went online and bought the <br />
biggest one i could find<br />
<br />
i've been spending too much time at work<br />
watching the live feed of the hawk nest on top of the capitol<br />
and now where-ever i am<br />
it feels like my brain is perched up there<br />
in the central skyspace with them<br />
in the thin fast air<br />
for awhile there the rest of me felt like i was kiting<br />
and now i'm feeling a weird in-between mixture of <br />
possibility vs. caution<br />
i wonder how hard other people pay attention<br />
if it's like being me at all<br />
<br />
i feel deeply curious and impatient<br />
fuckin gregarious<br />
but annoying and offensive<br />
letting dumb shit leap out of my mouth<br />
late for/missing all the rsvps<br />
able to lay in bed for hours more than i need to<br />
spend lunch laying in the grass by the manse<br />
or feet in the union fountain<br />
daydreaming about hands<br />
and soft smiling purrwords<br />
and when i sleep the world is ending<br />
and i'm shopping for chanterelles<br />
and i wake up coming</div>sarshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00142750668667683532noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2327896689864867544.post-7024954816151773782012-04-25T10:23:00.002-05:002012-04-25T12:08:23.915-05:00regular/decap<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
if you're able to wake<br />
make your way to the front<br />
<br />
rodent teeth bore into palms<br />
keep the sharp door shut<br />
<br />
worry the stuck brass clasp<br />
sink among gray soft<br />
<br />
succumb to the<br />
visions of brown arms<br />
<br />
struck with a loose-claw<br />
a swift buttery hack <br />
<br />
what a ball the head becomes<br />
lacy purple gargling<br />
<br />
in a hallway they're leading a black horse<br />
<br />
my big roundness cries <br />
for the want </div>sarshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00142750668667683532noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2327896689864867544.post-20764520862155927172012-04-20T18:22:00.001-05:002012-04-20T18:43:42.551-05:00since<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
i haven't been very productive lately, here's some crazy stuff i found when i started looking at the gibberish-titled .txt documents from march. the majority of this is literally just stupid shit i don't remember writing, and some of it is more journaly. happy day to you, enjoy:<br />
<br />
idea:<br />
<br />
story based on family who does intervention-type reality show<br />
<br />
the dad is a secret coke addict runner<br />
<br />
the mom is a religious self-martyr<br />
<br />
etc.<br />
<br />
at the end the dad's heart explodes<br />
<br />
____<br />
the islands that worship technology left behind by temporary military stays/operations<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
i should learn to ask for what i want and be tender to others; i should not ever hurt anyone on purpose but should be less overwhelmingly sensitive to my inner drive to be very careful with these things. i don't know<br />
??????<br />
<br />
___<br />
why do i always feel like asking people to watch david lynch movies with me is "taking our relationship to another level... perhaps too far"<br />
_____<br />
<br />
one thing that makes me smh real hard is when dudes with emotional problems announce they think they'd be a good dad<br />
<br />
___<br />
i feel like i have to ask your permission still to dye my hair red, i never could have done it with you. i wanted to leave that line cryptic but i always worry somebody will take what i write the wrong way (or, often worse, that somebody will take it the right way). and that sounds ambiguously as though you were controlling or something about my appearance but you were not. you are sweet and earnest and handsome as the devil. but i couldn't dye my hair red because it reminded you of the person who sexually abused you as a young child. i don't know if you'll still be grossed out by me if i do it. i would just hate that. i can't be with you, but i only want us to feel love toward each other. <br />
___<br />
<br />
looking out of windows<br />
hating the group because you are an outsider<br />
"if you came back a an animal" <br />
they all chose wild and strong, monkey, white tiger, eagle<br />
the animals around them are chained to man's will, horses, dogs, hamsters, fish<br />
he caught the fish with his bare hands<br />
<br />
girls feeling trapped, young girls with more magic and power than anyone around them who are still somehow powerless <br />
<br />
because you're so good at p<br />
<br />
__<br />
<br />
<br />
i often feel like a blind spot in the gaze of people who fear me<br />
<br />
___<br />
<br />
just heard someone in a neighboring apartment having a great orgasm<br />
i am so fucking bitter with jealousy<br />
no really i feel irrationally sad<br />
that others are being loved around me<br />
it's weird <br />
___ <br />
<br />
leaving chicago I saw two herons over a river and felt something new, i can't really pinpoint it but inside it was as though i was suddenly confident that what lies at the end of my path is going to be as amazing as i could have ever hoped; i will have such dreams and see such beauty in my life that there was nothing to be fearful or resentful of.<br />
<br />
i should move forward with openness and as much clarity as i can grasp.<br />
<br />
i think i might be an artist but i don't know what my game even is or how to hustle it/myself. i'm scared of the debt and school and jumping into a risk when i'm so unsure if i even actually want it or<br />
if it's just a path i see others taking so it feels like i should too or i'm missing out. am i? will i?<br />
right now supporting myself soundly feels safe and i am very proud.<br />
<br />
love is not what you thought it was and never will be what you think it is<br />
but it's happening all around</div>sarshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00142750668667683532noreply@blogger.com0