Tuesday, December 30, 2008






Sunday, December 28, 2008


ever so raw and 
empty a morning
i, i have no
wisdom teeth just
an abundance of
black bile
stuck in flux
of evolution and
vague allusions
i need your
hand on my throat
i need your


Saturday, December 27, 2008

more thoughts on the girl in the dream

We were good friends in elementary school but drifted apart; I think we've always been friendly but not close in recent years.  
When we were little she was such a tomboy (though she hasn't been one so much since middle school) that whenever we were in public people would just assume she was a boy, calling her "young man," etc. and insinuating that she was my "boyfriend."  I remember being very fascinated at the realization that you could trick someone into believing you were a different gender.

I always feel uneasy when these characters from my past pop up in dreams, seemingly out of nowhere.
I don't feel explanatory right now ah fuck it.

dream (sorry)

Trapped in a compound of some kind but not altogether worried because I know that people on my "team" had escaped before and left the route open; it wasn't hard.  I make it to the utility-type room and gingerly scale the stacked miscellaneous furniture to the vent in the ceiling where I escape to the roof and slide down.  I run to my car (which, for some reason, is parked in the parking lot of the compound), I quite suddenly hear and see who I've been running from, and in the dream she's a girl I grew up with and I have no idea how she came into this dream or why.  She's on the roof coming after me and fucked with my car, though, and Little Honda will barely start, making all kinds of terrible noises, but finally I get the engine running and I look over and see the girl's car right next to mine, and I make the split-second decision to hop out and empty the air from two of her tires with my key.  She's laughing and yelling and it's getting louder and I'm panicking and trying to speed away but all of these agents are driving at me suddenly and I have to veer around them, and at this point the dream pretty much turned into MarioKart and I woke up.  

Friday, December 26, 2008


I woke up today and saw green everywhere; put me in a very nice and even mood.  I have not been feeling very "even" lately and it makes me wish I could split in two and comfort myself, and have someone to talk to who knows me, as I seem like a foreign animal around others, always worrying for their comfort and understanding while feeling locked away as if in a crust of ice.  
But if there could be two of me, in an un-narcissistic way, we could know each other without the dance of interperson.  I guess I'm 
But not really, just overwhelmed, looking for someone to run to with these cloudy emotions, mother deal with them, mother make it better.  I want to pull away from being a fool, I want to hold myself and see how I feel to others; inside myself I feel sometimes tiny and sometimes large but always electric and in need.  I want to fulfill myself.  I want to feel alive without seeking extremes.    
I need to be reassured.

I have the door open right now, the cats are at the screen sniffing intently.  
Goddamn it is a beautiful day!

Thursday, December 25, 2008

why i love jonny

"I haven't had a chance to get properly intoxicated since being in Colorado because my mom and sister have consistently bitched at me about how much I drink (3 days in close quarters with my family without cigarettes and counting...), so I've been sneaking stuff from their liquor cabinet tonight after they went to sleep. I seriously feel like I'm 12 years old. I just now switched from the regular morgan to the private stock, and I got this odd sensation like I'd been having sex with a mediocre looking skinny girl but decided to have sex with the chunky girl with gorgeous eyes and great tits because no one knows I'm doing it.

Sorry, I'm drunk.


I don't care if you're mad I posted this Jonny. If you don't even read this, you'll never know.

xmas cheer update

adult brownies help.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008


I wanted to write down that I saw a Bald Eagle yesterday!  Flying over West O, bein' all eagle-y, hasslin' pigeons.  I know they're less rare now and are basically like garbage dump pests in Alaska but they are still big, majestic-ass birds.  

I always get way too excited when I see large birds, almost veering off the road to get one last glimpse of this heron or that hawk.

no thank you

Is there any polite way I can just opt out of christmas?

No, no I guess not.  You'll always sound like a dick.  
"I'm kind of hung over because I woke up at 5 a.m. and couldn't get back to sleep."
"I didn't have any money to buy you things you probably didn't want in the first place out of some unspoken obligation."
"I can make a single fried egg more flavorful than this entire meal."

Sorry, I'm sorry, that was just was being a bitch on purpose.  I didn't mean it.  Please don't hit me again, Christmas.  
It's just that I usually feel some sort of warm holidaytime feelings, even if it's just an adderall-fueled frenzy of paper snowflake crafting.  This year I forgot it was xmas eve until my mom texted me.

update: nvm about the food comment it's pizza hut i can't even compete

Monday, December 22, 2008

honne & tatemae

I'm sorry I'm getting into that state where the school numbness is wearing off and I'm interested in teaching myself things.

"Honne and tatemae are Japanese words that describe recognized social phenomena.
Honne (本音) refers to a person's true feelings and desires. These may be contrary to what is expected by society or what is required according to one's position and circumstances, and they are often kept hidden, except with one's closest friends.
Tatemae (建前), literally "façade," is the behaviour and opinions one displays in public. Tatemae is what is expected by society and required according to one's position and circumstances, and these may or may not match one's honne.
The honne/tatemae divide is considered to be of paramount importance in Japanese culture.[1] The very fact that Japanese have single words for these concepts leads some Nihonjinron specialists to see this conceptualization as evidence of greater Japanese complexity and rigidity in etiquette and culture.
Honne and tatemae are arguably a cultural necessity resulting from a large number of people living in a comparatively small island nation. Even with modern farming techniques, Japan today domestically produces only 39% of the food needed to feed its people so, before the modern era, close-knit co-operation and the avoidance of conflict were of vital importance in everyday life. For this reason, the Japanese tend to go to great lengths to avoid conflict, especially within the context of large groups.
The conflict between honne and giri (social obligations) is one of the main topics of Japanese drama throughout the ages. Stereotypically, the protagonist would have to choose between carrying out his obligations to his family or feudal lord or pursuing a forbidden love affair. In the end, death would be the only way out of the dilemma.
Contemporary phenomena such as hikikomori and parasite singles are seen as examples of late Japanese culture's growing problem of the new generation growing up unable to deal with the complexities of honne/tatemae in an increasingly capitalist society.
Debate over whether tatemae and honne are a uniquely Japanese phenomena continues in America especially among those in the anthropological and art fields."

Please enjoy another wall of text.
(bows deeply)

wikipedia on "eugenics"

Saving for later.

"In the USA, eugenic supporters included Theodore Roosevelt, the National Academy of Sciences, the American Medical Association and the National Research Council. Research was funded by distinguished philanthropies and carried out at prestigious universities.[citation needed] It was taught in college and high school classrooms. Margaret Sanger founded Planned Parenthood of America to urge the legalization of contraception for the lower classes. In its time eugenics was touted by some as scientific and progressive, the natural application of knowledge about breeding to the arena of human life. Before the realization of death camps in World War II, the idea that eugenics would lead to genocide was not taken seriously by the average American, though Sanger's books and letters clearly outlined these ultimate social-engineering goals to include selective contraception, forced sterilization, and even forced euthanasia on "the feeble minded" or "ignorant". If the government was not about to force such measures on women, Sanger believed it was her duty to provide these options to the 'lesser' of society in an effort to stay off their cycle of breeding ignorance.

During the 20th century, researchers became interested in the idea that mental illness could run in families and conducted a number of studies to document the heritability of such illnesses as schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and depression. Their findings were used by the eugenics movement as proof for its cause. State laws were written in the late 1800s and early 1900s to prohibit marriage and force sterilization of the mentally ill in order to prevent the "passing on" of mental illness to the next generation. These laws were upheld by the U.S. Supreme Court in 1927 and were not abolished until the mid-20th century. All in all, 60,000 Americans were sterilized.[57]

Some states sterilized "imbeciles" for much of the 20th century. The U.S. Supreme Court ruled in the 1927 Buck v. Bell case that the state of Virginia could sterilize those it thought unfit. The most significant era of eugenic sterilization was between 1907 and 1963, when over 64,000 individuals were forcibly sterilized under eugenic legislation in the United States.[61] A favorable report on the results of sterilization in California, the state with the most sterilizations by far, was published in book form by the biologist Paul Popenoe and was widely cited by the Nazi government as evidence that wide-reaching sterilization programs were feasible and humane. When Nazi administrators went on trial for war crimes in Nuremberg after World War II, they justified the mass sterilizations (over 450,000 in less than a decade) by citing the United States as their inspiration.[57]

However, methods of eugenics were applied to reformulate more restrictive definitions of white racial purity in existing state laws banning interracial marriage: the so-called anti-miscegenation laws. The most famous example of the influence of eugenics and its emphasis on strict racial segregation on such "anti-miscegenation" legislation was Virginia's Racial Integrity Act of 1924. The U.S. Supreme Court overturned this law in 1967 in Loving v. Virginia, and declared anti-miscegenation laws unconstitutional."

"Zis douchebagg costs ze German people 60,000 Reichsmark! It is clear he should die!"

Is interesting to me as, even before I knew all of this happened, I had some positive thoughts on eugenics, particularly around times of sweaty, bone-puncturing politics. It's how everyone feels about Communism once in awhile. It's a slippery wire to walk, though. Hey, it totally makes sense to not let the retards breed, since they seem to be popping out more retards. Oops, Holocaust.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

time enough

There's a big part of me that wishes I could just be a housewife, because there is time to pursue the domestic arts.  
To marinate a steak and a chicken breast.
To go to the store and buy salsa and tortillas.
To soak and cook the black beans.
There is time enough to re-fry the beans!
(The term "refried beans" is misleading, as they are only fried once
tonight, in bacon fat
with a minced clove of garlic and a splash of vinegar
[as i do not have lemon juice]
there is time to eat the superfluous bacon 
lowly, with one's fingers, on the couch,
while watching BBC documentaries on atheism.)
There is time enough while the beans are cooking
to smoke on the porch 
and read The Neverending Story
in short, cold bursts. 

I am my own Henry Bernis
my bomb is christmas
and my broken glasses the necessity
of cyclical work and play.
And it's- it's- it's not 
it's not 
it's no-no-not

Back into

reading about serial killers.  
They really give me

I've been feeling like an animal, waking up too early breathing heavy and thirsty and laying for hours, listening, staring at the obtuse shapes with my defective eyes and feeling strong because I still see enough.  Trying to will myself back over the invisible tripwire that sets off the dreaming again, trying to conjure the phantom fingers back to my skin in a sad, childish, sleepy way and when that doesn't work, stroking myself lazily, sadly, sadly.  

Coffee is done.  I'm sorry I've been so anti-anti-an-ti-a-n-t-i-

Saturday, December 20, 2008

dreams dreams dreams

Dreamed in poetry, in words and images in an inexplicable overlay, which is weird because I usually subscribe to the "can't read in dreams" thing.  
Dreamed in a series of photos; the body of a young boy recently buried in a wooden crate, his face was electric-blue.  In the photos he was still half covered in dirt, over-saturated with color and grittiness.  His mother was buried next to him but she was only in the last photo.
Dreamed about a children's book, it had a purple cover and a red, velveteen lining.  The inside was signed by all my parents' friends, like a yearbook, and I was looking over them thinking how much I resent them because I've always felt like they hate me, since I got "weird," and went looking for god and found emptiness.  I shouldn't say that as it's not pitiful and I don't remember ever really coming to a conclusion, just a sudden shift of facts.  Maybe I'd be different if that guy hadn't shot himself in the head in seventh grade, maybe if someone had noticed I wore the same clothes for about two weeks and just kind of, i don't know, veered off-course.  Maybe if I hadn't lost my virginity to his brother a year later, and gotten dumped the next day.  Maybe I'd be different.
Most of my parents' friends were doctors.  

These are not pitiful thoughts, I am just having my morning thoughtful time, as I am wont.
Doing a lot of thinking.

Thursday, December 18, 2008


Going to Oxford next Ju-ly, if money situations work out.

I'm done.
I'm done I'm done I'm done & I'm

Monday, December 15, 2008


This morning at around 6 there were sirens outside, loud, that didn't doppler off into the distance but instead built a mighty crescendo then stopped abruptly, at one of the houses my building faces.  This woke me up and I was groggily peering out the window at the odd world that's been going on while I was sleeping, I hate how everything is still so sharp and clear when you wake up (it makes me uneasy, like I've missed something).  
They wheeled a body out into the ambulance but didn't go anywhere for about half an hour, red and blue lights still dancing violently over the neighborhood, dissipating into eerie northern lights on my foggy window.
I say "body" because they didn't go anywhere for half an hour.  

Something I don't remember experiencing before happened in the dream I had later this morning, I was with a large group filing into a funeral at a church and was just getting to my seat and the pastor or whatever started greeting the congregation and saying "Now, bow your heads and pray, pray, praaaaay, praaaaaaay" in this low monotone and when I woke up it was my phone ringing on vibrate.
You always see that in movies, where something in a dream is just a noise in real life you're misinterpreting, but like I said I can't remember it happening before.

The phone call was a lady I work with, who couldn't find my hours from last week.  I had given them to her and she had put them in the back of a manila envelope on her computer; I know this because she showed me she put them there.  
Rather than explain where she showed me she put them I just told her that's where I put them.  
White lies.

Sunday, December 14, 2008


putting your fetus ultrasound photo
as your facebook profile photo.

thank you,
that is all.

Thursday, December 11, 2008


There's a new wireless network in my apartment building named "NAZI FUCKING POWER."

all work and no play

I didn't have my nose ring in all day, oops.  I've had it since I was 16 so when it falls out at night I usually fail to notice for a long time.
Now I can't find it.  (arms up wide in the air)

Things are going okay, one class is done but the others still require too much work! (arms flailing wildly)

I'm kind of boring and not cool!  (arms dropping to sides and twitching intermittently

update: I found it, undermypillow, thank you jewelry fairy.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008


Rachael, I had a dream you were in:

We were with some group of people for a party or something, and shopping, and we suddenly had to choose our own teacups for tea.  So we're frantically looking at all of these teacups of varying sizes, colors, and materials, and I can't find one I like, they're either too small or too delicate or I think I can find a better Chinese dragon one that I like more.  And you've already found your teacup, and are standing over it like a mother hen, and I'm all "Hey which one do you have?" and I reach for it but it's made of paper, and it collapses under my hand, and you're mad at me.

The end.  

That wasn't the end of the dream, but the part you were in.  The rest of it was very complicated with skinheads in the next apartment cutting a hole in the wall to talk to me, and getting evicted the next day and going on a rampage.  The earth getting cut in half, not the whole sphere but all the land one one hemisphere going away and giant killer whales living in that part.  Incense.  Meeting on the lawn to gossip about old poetry teachers, who now live in a box of ashes.

I have an interview today for the Oxford thing.  I was told it's pretty informal, yay.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008


The lake is cracking like gunshots again.

A professor once told my class that humans feel most at ease in their homes when they are on a hill, facing water.  

to be a pigeon on a mosque
to be a dove on a cathedral
to be a goose in the gale, crying for my fa-mi-ly
oh to be a gull 
oh, oh to be a gull to be a gull to be a 
gull gull gull
to be a cigarette, spent, out the carwindow
a decapitated snake! of sparks!

this is my body it
wants to be alive see it is
healing itself

may i please, may i please if you don't mind
i'd like to touch 
i will be reverent and emotional
i will treat things
with proper reverence and emotion
just promise you won't look me
in the eyes
i spook easy
is all

it's fine to not matter
if it's not at all

Sunday, December 7, 2008


this is a blog post
last night i got drunk after not being able to focus on writing papers and fighting epically with my boyfriend and decided that i should punch myself in the face
it signifies being about to explode
it felt so good, didn't leave any marks but the feeling of my knuckles popping against my jaw, and how sore and stiff it is today
i know things will be fine in the future but i'd rather they be fine now
it felt so good to feel something
or maybe as i sometimes suspect i really need to wallow in my own dramatic shit once in awhile
it felt so good felt so good felt so good felt so good felt so good
this is where i do it, i wish i could only post "impressive" things for people to read and like keep it a polished, creative space like others do, 
ain't how i roll
on the verge of something here, my life feels like it's rotting

Saturday, December 6, 2008

every winter

my mind goes kind of numb and life becomes a comic book.

I've been sitting on my couch staring into nothing for about half an hour now, what shook me out of it was this sudden indescribable urge.  I was looking at the television (off) and feeling really odd, and then looking around the room frantically until I found IT, a reflection of myself, not here or there or there but in the side of the rum bottle, and I felt better.  The surface of the tv isn't reflective from straight-on and it made me feel just so unsettled that I couldn't find a reflection anywhere for a minute.  
I am so fat I sicken myself,I want to mutilate my body in some way but nothing seems right.
Feeling pretty ridiculous.  
Feeling pretty desperate for something but it's probably just a cigarette.  

edit: this wasn't a fancy metaphor about how I could only see myself in the rum bottle.

i can't get anything done

Why did I sleep so late?

Why can't I seem to accomplish anything that is an important step toward my future?  

Why did I dream about seducing a brown-skinned boy who kissed me too hard and I said "no, softer, softer," gently, until he listened?  I am not really attracted to younger men in real life.  I feel somewhat maternal toward them, though, which may be why I was instructing.  They are so awkward, so self-absorbed; such foreign creatures.  
But then, everyone is kind of a strange beast to me.


Thursday, December 4, 2008

lists are cool

Writing from Nature
1 semester's worth of journals I have not started
10 page research/creative paper draft due Sun. night

Writing: Literacy
WP2 Revision
Portfolio assembly with Author's Notes by Thurs.
3-page Course Assessment whateverthefuck
RRs 1&2, possibly combined

Peer responses
Story revisions

Women in Soc
Study for final
extra credit?

Early Am. Lit.
5-7 page researched essay for Mon.
Final questions, which will involve about 8 pages of single-spaced writing
extra credit responses

I hate everything, I want to die.

thinking aloud

This morning I woke up and my first thought was "I NEED TO GO ABROAD."

So this morning I applied for UNL's "Nebraska at Oxford" 4-week summer program.  I apparently missed the deadline by a few days, but figured I'd try anyway since the deadline is different on different pages of the site (some say november, some say december).  
I don't know why England, the dates (July15-August15 09) fit so well, english-speaking country, maybe I was thinking about how cute Simon Pegg is.  I've never even talked to someone who's done this program.  Will it be a bunch of homely folk who quote Douglas Adams and Eddie Izzard and Monty Python nonstop?  
I don't know if I made the deadline, or if I'll even get accepted.  Are these programs usually academically rigorous screenings, or does the university realize it's kind of a jack-off "I want to travel" thing for students?   
I don't know how I'd afford it, I'd have to ask my parents, or get a loan.  They've paid for my sister to go to portugal and christian concentration camp in florida, so.  If I get accepted I really kind of want to do this, unless someone tells me it's horrible or something.
I need a passport.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

i can't

(Look for Simon Pegg Doppelgänger at 2:00!)

Minor achievement update:  This blog is now the first result if you do a Google search for "complainery."  Yesssss.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008


I guess I'm singing "In Spite of Ourselves" with Jonny at the Zoo bar tonight.  Because he asked me.    

This blog entry signifies a mild anxiety attack.  

I'm trying to get it out of my system.  I don't think I'm a stellar vocalist or anything I just don't want to fuck up.  Oh god Oh god Oh god Oh god, when is the right time to begin drinking?

ETA UPDATE: it was fine.

Monday, December 1, 2008


good spirits

oh my god
pork sandwich with gruyere and sweet apple cream
my god

watching football, going to drink some bourbon presently
feeling less overwhelmed
yeah feelin' alright

morningtime (whining)

I hate people who say "And that says it all!" when proving a point.

I'm also feeling lately that there is a giant conspiracy around me to not tell me that I am becoming massively obese.  
I'm not writing this for some kind of attention or like so people will tell me I'm not fat.  It's hard to explain.  I can see a 400 lb. woman on television and know how far I am from that, but it persists.  Do you ever feel like flaying off your own flesh?  Do you ever hate yourself that much?  Why won't anybody touch you?  Is it because you're really fat and everybody's trying to spare your feelings by not telling you?
I think my family would always just tip-toe around such issues.  When I hit puberty I was bigger than everyone for awhile and had that awkward baby-fat thing going on and they'd always drop hints about like how I should work out or eat less (except my brother, who would just tell me I was fatter than everyone and that no one else would tell me so I didn't feel bad).  Then, while I was still in the thick of everything, I'd look back at photos of myself and be mortified.
To this day nobody will just tell me "yes we could hear you throwing up for a year before you moved out."  
"We thought it would just go away if we ignored it."
and it
except not?