warm

I woke up today and saw green everywhere; put me in a very nice and even mood.  I have not been feeling very "even" lately and it makes me wish I could split in two and comfort myself, and have someone to talk to who knows me, as I seem like a foreign animal around others, always worrying for their comfort and understanding while feeling locked away as if in a crust of ice.  

But if there could be two of me, in an un-narcissistic way, we could know each other without the dance of interperson.  I guess I'm 

lonely?

But not really, just overwhelmed, looking for someone to run to with these cloudy emotions, mother deal with them, mother make it better.  I want to pull away from being a fool, I want to hold myself and see how I feel to others; inside myself I feel sometimes tiny and sometimes large but always electric and in need.  I want to fulfill myself.  I want to feel alive without seeking extremes.    

I need to be reassured.

I have the door open right now, the cats are at the screen sniffing intently.  

Goddamn it is a beautiful day!