imprints on the spirit

I love and hate dreaming about someone you used to know, who you'd feel weird contacting after this time.  In real life they fucked you over but in the dream they were kind and wanting of your company.  Etc.  I don't really know what to do about this, I'm mostly just vaguely documenting so I don't forget... 

The past few weeks and everything laying before me right now is hard work that I have absolutely no love for.  What kills me is not knowing if I'll ever be able to be content again.  I don't need anything handed to me, I just need chances to show how good I am, how very, very good.  Not even getting those.  My youth is wedged into the few hours between the everything and the nothing each day, and they zip by tktktktktktktk I just want to vacate and vacation but everything about my life says no.