an end

I finished my 3-week class today; I am feeling strange and sad.  I dug on the professor and the class so hard but there was only so much to learn and discuss, and now it's over.  Instead of being full of inspired ideas, though, I'm feeling as empty as ever.  

A large part of my life is overshadowed by the fact that I'm just clever enough to realize how un-brilliant, un-crazy, and un-unique I am.  This is why I am often torn between trying (i.e. getting good grades, pushing toward a prestigious job, really trying, etc.) and NOT trying, living a deep, inner life where others don't need to hear about my ideas or opinions or whatever hackneyed art I produce; shooting below my potential because I'll never sink my claws into lofty goals I fantasize about because my idols are so far above me intellectually and spiritually.

It occurs to me that both of these options, and anything between, are unsatisfactory.