i haven't written in this blog in a non-poemvoice for awhile; it makes me feel kind of mentally hobbled. this is also how the internet is making me feel lately. it's a sensation i generally experience around the beginning of march, the need to be outside in the air, to be meditative and benign and to soothe the frayed edges of my winter brain. i've been zipping through this short, closed electronic circuit in frantic loops and now i have a desperation to bust out for awhile, maybe.
everything i write lately seems to be all dire direness (though i am stronger than ever and still my wry merry self amidst the deep important sad feelings). i often worry about burdening whatever audience i may have with this; i have the sensation of burdening a lot, and being burdened. i think this is a personal anxiety i have, but i also think it's probably true that expressing depression/distress publicly can solicit such a reaction whether or not one intends to. i mean: when i think someone i like is sad, i care a lot.
i'm not going anywhere with this. just typing it out because it's what i want to do, and i don't have any conclusions yet. may there never be conclusions (maybe). my raw tiger flank is stiffly healing and nothing has felt so good or made me so pleased in awhile. i want to be among friends and eat and talk and learn about everything they are thinking. i want to be deeply alone. i want to be such a good animal. i am so sincere and full of love. i want to read all the novels i started and never finished in school.