Friday, January 1, 2010

I'm hard

i just wanted a sbj line to go with rach n j's.

I feel like there's something inside me that is preventing me from relaxing; happiness. The new year doesn't feel like a fresh start, it feels more like I've been presented with a gordian knot when my hands are at their most feeble. I am underprepared. I am deeply disappointed with myself.

Nothing smells right; I feel pasty and fat and itchy all the time. I've been waking up at 5 a.m. every morning and laying in bed for hours shaking and worrying. The right side of my jaw is rusting. My bike is rusting in the snow. I feel fucking dirty. My New Year resolution was to make the voice in my head quiet and stop screaming at me, telling me terrible things about myself. I wish I could talk to someone about it but that would make it worse.

I want to escape this, I need a vacation so bad SO FUCKING BAD DO YOU UNDERSTAND

Later: I always feel the need to qualify myself when I have a bitchy, self-loathing, and/or complaining writing time. I do no feel overwhelmed all of the time, but when I do it is consuming. I just need to be calm and not passive. I need to find a town that I can drive to that has somewhere I can stay and go there next weekend. Does anybody have a job they can give me.

No comments: