Wednesday, January 20, 2010

i am painfully aware of how boring i am

I don't know how to describe my dreams lately, they are different. They changed about a week ago, maybe. I am changing too, I am not yet sure how, but I think it is in a way that will suit me. For the past few weeks it felt like my life was dying around me, leaving this boring, empty, miserable person.

One can always retrospectively observe their actions or feelings from the past and recognize that, yes, that was fucking crazy. What troubles me is being able to see the crazy in the present, and not being able to mend or soothe it.

My brain is functioning in new ways, never-before-seen. My dreams have changed. They are horrible and vivid but I can only feel vaguely numb in/about them; it is kind of how I'm feeling about life right now -- I've hit my anxiety breaking point again and tripped the circuit breaker, I love when this happens. I thank my body for what I assume is an act of desperate self-preservation, like puking when too drunk.

This last dream I watched out my window while these guys rioted, grabbing all kinds of garbage and mattresses and a wrecked truck into one giant pile and barricading themselves in the fort just as dusk came. The police came after the sun set and then the shooting started, sparks of gun-muzzle light everywhere and yelling. The trash-fort was lit on fire and burned. In the morning there was blood coating the ground and bodies piled everywhere, all mangled with purple, red and golden organs hanging out like fruit.

Things to think about:
Control -- how I am always strictly, strictly under it. But how I like when it's taken away in good situations; i.e. plans with friends.
Not hating myself.

Thank you for attending my personal therapy session.

1 comment:

James McDonough said...

If you're painfully boring, I must be the most boring person on Earth. I look at your abilities and antics with envy. :/