what can you do

get out of bed early because you can't sleep anymore

make coffee, shower, keep the cats from pulling at the carpet by balcony door,

go to class, be the funniest person in the room, 

wonder if the professor who looks into your eyes the whole period can really see in there,

think, learn, love thinking and learning, but in a lazy sort of way,

walk

around

smoke

cigarettes

talk to people who are good, people you like, who are good people,

say the same things,

make circles in the snow, find a tree that feels like heaven to lean against because

it is solid, and old, 

say the same things over and over and over,

show up half an hour late to a funeral for a girl you barely knew,

hug her girlfriend who is still alive, pale and thin in a pink dress in the snow,

look into her eyes and try to really see in there, 

palm her some marijuana and say sorry it's not much, i'm sorry, it's all i have for you,

feel like you don't have any right to be there,

go home,

be funny, with people you like,

bitch out on obligations because leaving the apartment is too much to handle,

bitch out on ________ because ________________ is too much to handle,

have the same conversation over and over,

drink and 

drink, and

drink,

alternating cycles of feeling golden and feeling unfit, too cruel to be alive,

too awful, too weak, just awful, over and over,

smile, apologize, smile, i'm sorry, everything is nothing is 

fine,