Tuesday, April 7, 2009

"sometimes i wish i had a farm where the only pollution is your cigarettes"

Lately I can't ever decide what to feed myself in a reasonable amount of time.  I don't eat all day and then come home and stare in my cupboards, and fridge, and do all the dishes, and sit around thinking about it, planning, then get up and stare in the cupboard again and examine the nutritional content of my dry goods, then close the cupboard.
Then later in a lightheadedness I eat sour gummis (worms or octopodes).  And sunflower seeds.  And fruity alcoholic drinks.  And then just sweet alcohol, until sleeptime.
This isn't a big thing.  I eat other stuff when I'm with people, like I have to have guidance on what to purchase or make for myself.  I make things for myself when I plan them well in advance and work myself into a longing for them.  But otherwise, it's like nothing sounds good enough.  Like, why eat unless it sounds really, really good?

I do a lot of that lately, relying on other people.  "I don't care what we do.  I'm up for anything."  Because it's true.  I don't know how to make plans for myself.  I don't know how to gracefully instigate minor social events.  I just want to be doing things, always, with people I like, like I've been missing out for way too long, sitting in a stupor.   

I was just looking at the sugar insanity I've been eating and remembered writing about the things I was mildly obsessed with last summer, when I was in the garden and going to Beat Poetry class and happy: Orange soda, red vines, and pistachios.  And rum.  I am anticipating the warmth.

Today when I got home there was a box outside my door from Hawaii containing eight pounds of various Kona coffees.

Life feels so good to me all the time lately.  
I smile every time I walk up the stairs to my home, seriously, it is weird.  
There's a Ben Kweller song, "My Apartment"...


Eric said...

That's why I have Rachael, to keep me social. You should get a Rachael.

Anonymous said...

she threw her malfunctioning Rachael in the trash a while ago.

justin ryan fyfe said...

i dont think i generally eat anything. sometimes i do and its usually something like a massive bowl of pasta or five pbj sammiches or a can of baked beans. my lady makes all sorts of fancy foods and lets me eat them. otherwise i would probably be awkwardly skinnny and fat at the same time and have scurvy or some other pirate disease.

rachelise said...

OH my Lordisa. I was going to say that sometimes if I don't eat I get to a point of non-hunger. (then I usually go over to eric's house, shave off a portion of his head-hair, and cry and tell him to stop patronizing me.)
um...so yes. you should buy yogurts. little yogurts of all flavors and eat them with granola or bananas or dried plums *witch* are more commonly known as prunes.

rachelise said...

hahaha witch.