It'll come back.
I feel like I'm really missing out on something lately but I don't know what. Like I'm not feeling things enough, or I'm saying the same words too often, or performing the same actions like a ro-bot.
I think this means I need a big change.
The dreams are either lovely or, all the time lately, almost every night, I get "caught" doing something minor I'm not supposed to and a man will come attack me with inappropriate rage for my indiscretion. I walk through the store anti-theft doorway things and they go off and a man, I can see him coming from the distance, always, attacks me. I drive my car into an area I'm not sure I can go to and get out and a man attacks me. I walk into the wrong room and a man attacks me. The whole time I'm putting my arms up submissively and saying I'm sorry but it only makes him more angry.
Last weekend I took a country road-trip and I could see the stars, and it made me so happy, felt like coming home. The grass and fences blue-black in the the moonlight sweeping by, lining the gravel road and the crunch of it, the critters in the brush flashing their magic eyes at the headlights, and the quiet of it, and the schizophrenic radio playing spanish guitar the nu-metal then '80s dance then ozzy then piano concerto, the grape-flavored blunt and the stink of manure I pretend to hate when other people do because I don't want to be that person who announces they like an ill-thought-of thing to be different, the sickle moon getting low and golden, and the stars.
I can pretend to be a hip kid all I want but this landscape is all really really truly truly where I come from, really real, truly true.
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