occupation

general learning ability verbal numerical spatial form perception clerical perception motor coordination finger dexterity manual dexterity eye / hand / foot coordination color discrimination strength climbing balancing stooping kneeling crouching crawling reaching handling fingering feeling talking hearing tasting / smelling near acuity far acuity depth perception accommodation color vision field of vision weather cold hot wetness noise vibration atmosphere moving electric height radiation explosion toxic / caustic other directing repetitive influencing variety expressing alone stress tolerances under people judgments

colorstrology

the color defines you, the color coyly strokes your ego, let the color into your life

this serves as a more general "oh god i'm getting older again soon" reminder

dreams > waking; viking

Of meeting a young man, tall enough to startle, who introduces himself. He's not from here, but some nordic country. His long hair is ice-blonde tied back with a white cloth and his eyes are ice-blue; he is such a combination of sunshine and ice that the effect is, naturally, blinding. He's introducing himself, but his name is lost in the glare and you ask him to repeat it, smiling and holding up a finger, "one more time, say it?" He says it, and again you do not hear, some snarling of syllables in the throat. You smile, he smiles, who needs a name, so unspecific and predetermined. You are on the flank of a mountain in the spring. He shows you a plant, a large shrub of icy-green tendrils and as you look closer you see the small glittering round leaves.

almost everyone i know

is punishing him/herself.

fuuuuuuuuuuuuck

"fuck"

sometimes i just want to lay and stare

i ain't interesting, hi.

just need to keep reminding myself how okay things ultimately are, and will be. "the screams" crept back these past few days and as much as i expect them especially around fall every year but it is so much of a bodily sensation paired with a mental state that i mostly don't know how to avoid it. I started calling it "the screams" because when you get a bad dose of the screams it feels like deep in the back of your skull there high-pitched female death shrieks, unrelenting, though you're not really hearing anything and it's not quite so literal. It gets almost impossible to focus on anything but the state of uncomfortable, trembling dread; it gets harder to breathe and you feel a little like throwing up, but mostly you feel like your skin is about to leap violently off and what you really want most is profound physical pain, to claw at your arms and pound your legs and slice your face and be beaten with strong fists to make it go away, this indescribable brain-rape.

things that need doing pile up; bottles of liquor drain like they've got no viscosity; the screams wake up with you one morning and you realize they've been coming.

this sounds melodramatic all typed in my words and really like, i'm fine, i can function. but if i describe it maybe i can recognize it and identify it and soothe it; i mean, i get by fine, some times are just wretched and i am wretched but i am strong

you got somethin' i need