just need to keep reminding myself how okay things ultimately are, and will be. "the screams" crept back these past few days and as much as i expect them especially around fall every year but it is so much of a bodily sensation paired with a mental state that i mostly don't know how to avoid it. I started calling it "the screams" because when you get a bad dose of the screams it feels like deep in the back of your skull there high-pitched female death shrieks, unrelenting, though you're not really hearing anything and it's not quite so literal. It gets almost impossible to focus on anything but the state of uncomfortable, trembling dread; it gets harder to breathe and you feel a little like throwing up, but mostly you feel like your skin is about to leap violently off and what you really want most is profound physical pain, to claw at your arms and pound your legs and slice your face and be beaten with strong fists to make it go away, this indescribable brain-rape.
things that need doing pile up; bottles of liquor drain like they've got no viscosity; the screams wake up with you one morning and you realize they've been coming.
this sounds melodramatic all typed in my words and really like, i'm fine, i can function. but if i describe it maybe i can recognize it and identify it and soothe it; i mean, i get by fine, some times are just wretched and i am wretched but i am strong
3 comments:
i think i recognize the screams. to me they feel like itching. all over. but mostly inside. like a slight burning sensation because you can't scratch hard and repetitive like you can on the outside. like the kind of itch you want to itch till your skin is raw and stinging and the sting is the only throbbing thing, until it goes away and there is the itch again. only in your blood and stomach you can't even do that itching. late night fall crazies.
(ha, i meant scratch a good itch)
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