thinking aloud

This morning I woke up and my first thought was "I NEED TO GO ABROAD."

So this morning I applied for UNL's "Nebraska at Oxford" 4-week summer program.  I apparently missed the deadline by a few days, but figured I'd try anyway since the deadline is different on different pages of the site (some say november, some say december).  

I don't know why England, the dates (July15-August15 09) fit so well, english-speaking country, maybe I was thinking about how cute Simon Pegg is.  I've never even talked to someone who's done this program.  Will it be a bunch of homely folk who quote Douglas Adams and Eddie Izzard and Monty Python nonstop?  

I don't know if I made the deadline, or if I'll even get accepted.  Are these programs usually academically rigorous screenings, or does the university realize it's kind of a jack-off "I want to travel" thing for students?   

I don't know how I'd afford it, I'd have to ask my parents, or get a loan.  They've paid for my sister to go to portugal and christian concentration camp in florida, so.  If I get accepted I really kind of want to do this, unless someone tells me it's horrible or something.

I need a passport.

i can't

(Look for Simon Pegg Doppelgänger at 2:00!)

Minor achievement update:  This blog is now the first result if you do a Google search for "complainery."  Yesssss.

prine

I guess I'm singing "In Spite of Ourselves" with Jonny at the Zoo bar tonight.  Because he asked me.    

This blog entry signifies a mild anxiety attack.  

I'm trying to get it out of my system.  I don't think I'm a stellar vocalist or anything I just don't want to fuck up.  Oh god Oh god Oh god Oh god, when is the right time to begin drinking?

ETA UPDATE: it was fine.

sugar

good spirits

oh my god

pork sandwich with gruyere and sweet apple cream

oh

my god

watching football, going to drink some bourbon presently

feeling less overwhelmed

yeah feelin' alright

morningtime (whining)

I hate people who say "And that says it all!" when proving a point.

I'm also feeling lately that there is a giant conspiracy around me to not tell me that I am becoming massively obese.  

I'm not writing this for some kind of attention or like so people will tell me I'm not fat.  It's hard to explain.  I can see a 400 lb. woman on television and know how far I am from that, but it persists.  Do you ever feel like flaying off your own flesh?  Do you ever hate yourself that much?  Why won't anybody touch you?  Is it because you're really fat and everybody's trying to spare your feelings by not telling you?

I think my family would always just tip-toe around such issues.  When I hit puberty I was bigger than everyone for awhile and had that awkward baby-fat thing going on and they'd always drop hints about like how I should work out or eat less (except my brother, who would just tell me I was fatter than everyone and that no one else would tell me so I didn't feel bad).  Then, while I was still in the thick of everything, I'd look back at photos of myself and be mortified.

To this day nobody will just tell me "yes we could hear you throwing up for a year before you moved out."  

"We thought it would just go away if we ignored it."

and it

did

except not?