life in the undergrowth

I dreamed about cockroaches; well, first I dreamed I had to go back and live in my old apartment again, one of the few recurring nightmares I have. Everything was very clean, and my cats would not communicate with me with their eyes or bodies. And there were cockroaches everywhere, small wispy-antennae'd cockroaches dragging the corpses of other bugs into their holes.

RE: Storm. I could see the lightning in my sleep and anticipate the loudest thunder. Thusly I rode it as an orchestral score.

My walk to and from class there were bugs everywhere, it seemed, shiny oblong black beetles careening toward my feet, my feet that always feel slightly pigeon-toed for some reason lately since my foot-stab injury or maybe it's just from wearing the same pair of sambas for about three years now. I got the old pair of sambas out of my closet from before this pair, and they are now in better shape than the current ones, but they don't feel right. I need new shoes, but I'd rather be able to afford alcohol. This is a lie, I can probably afford shoes right now, except I live in constant fear of veterinary bills. There was a dead beetle on the floor when I got home.

I feel as though I am constantly about to trip over myself. I feel folded into myself everywhere, wincing at the sharp beams of eyes I can see inspecting me from behind my sunglasses where they can't tell I'm looking back. The laser antennae gaze, assessing me in an animal way, friend-foe-food.

By some coincidence, we watched "Them!" in class today.


This all feels stupid, I wish I could stop feeling so stupid. I am nibbling a crisp-rice-marshmallow treat my coworker bought me in a motherly way. The sugar fuels my small activities. If I keep the tasks simple and linear, my brain won't overload with the longing for the elsewise and the moreso. The last time it stormed I slept on the floor with my head on the couch where it still smelled so so good, making me throb about the throat and chest. Soon I will communicate only in pheromones; smell for them. Perhaps soon I will also find some way to release this inner pressure valve and become efficient with everything.