since

i haven't been very productive lately, here's some crazy stuff i found when i started looking at the gibberish-titled .txt documents from march. the majority of this is literally just stupid shit i don't remember writing, and some of it is more journaly.  happy day to you, enjoy:

idea:

story based on family who does intervention-type reality show

the dad is a secret coke addict runner

the mom is a religious self-martyr

etc.

at the end the dad's heart explodes

____
the islands that worship technology left behind by temporary military stays/operations





i should learn to ask for what i want and be tender to others; i should not ever hurt anyone on purpose but should be less overwhelmingly sensitive to my inner drive to be very careful with these things.  i don't know
??????

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why do i always feel like asking people to watch david lynch movies with me is "taking our relationship to another level... perhaps too far"
 _____

one thing that makes me smh real hard is when dudes with emotional problems announce they think they'd be a good dad

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i feel like i have to ask your permission still to dye my hair red, i never could have done it with you.  i wanted to leave that line cryptic but i always worry somebody will take what i write the wrong way (or, often worse, that somebody will take it the right way).  and that sounds ambiguously as though you were controlling or something about my appearance but you were not.  you are sweet and earnest and handsome as the devil.  but i couldn't dye my hair red because it reminded you of the person who sexually abused you as a young child.  i don't know if you'll still be grossed out by me if i do it.  i would just hate that.  i can't be with you, but i only want us to feel love toward each other. 
___

looking out of windows
hating the group because you are an outsider
"if you came back a an animal"
they all chose wild and strong, monkey, white tiger, eagle
the animals around them are chained to man's will, horses, dogs, hamsters, fish
he caught the fish with his bare hands

girls feeling trapped, young girls with more magic and power than anyone around them who are still somehow powerless

because you're so good at p

__


i often feel like a blind spot in the gaze of people who fear me

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just heard someone in a neighboring apartment having a great orgasm
i am so fucking bitter with jealousy
no really i feel irrationally sad
that others are being loved around me
it's weird
___

leaving chicago I saw two herons over a river and felt something new, i can't really pinpoint it but inside it was as though i was suddenly confident that what lies at the end of my path is going to be as amazing as i could have ever hoped; i will have such dreams and see such beauty in my life that there was nothing to be fearful or resentful of.

i should move forward with openness and as much clarity as i can grasp.

i think i might be an artist but i don't know what my game even is or how to hustle it/myself.  i'm scared of the debt and school and jumping into a risk when i'm so unsure if i even actually want it or
if it's just a path i see others taking so it feels like i should too or i'm missing out.  am i?   will i?
right now supporting myself soundly feels safe and i am very proud.

love is not what you thought it was and never will be what you think it is
but it's happening all around