Tuesday, October 26, 2010

to be a less a frayed

the BBbb, t and '' keys on ttthe keybbboard of tttthis old lapttop stttick

i'm ttired of editing everytthing so intttensely so i''m' leaving it for now y''all can deal.

i have been dreaming again, almostt always ttthte plot is ttthatt i have moved ttto a new aparttmentt or my apartttmenttt is somehow differentt and wrong, in ttthis dream i watttched paralyzed as my cattt dandy fell off tthe roof and when i gott tto her her littttlte leg was broken attt wrong angles. tthen someone cutttt off thtte heads of bothtt my cattts, butt like tthtat tscene in princess mononoke tthe deer god's head survives and reunittes and i knew if i could save thte heads i could have them sewn back on, i kept tasking my mottther tto help me butt was ignored, i put jauffre''s head in a bowl of icy water and saw thte wide yellow eyes frozen, ttthe other i finally gott sewed and she seemed tto recover though slightly damaged and not fully connectted
then i learned in thte dream tthatt upon completttion of college the next sttep for me was somehow to go back tto freshman year of high school, like, that''s just how it's' done, didn''t you know, and i was sitting in the classroom panicking that i'd have to do it all over again and oh god the vauge cloud of misery that represents high school in my memories, i could pass all these classes in my sleep i did it once already plus, plus now i got trainin' (the t key stopped sticking cool)
sarah palin was in my class and laughed broadly at my surliness. she had a giant piece of something on her teeth and i did not tell her, smug cunt.

i am just today obsessed with the notion that my life is made extremely difficult by the imposition of my own self-hatred.
it is like how we insist on peeling bananas from the bottom when the nubby bottom end is really the top you should peel. can you flip your mental image; i cannot

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