negligence

things seem to keep going wrong; last night i thought to myself "oh be careful don't spill the soup on your computer" just one second before the rim slipped my fingers and i spilled soup on my macbook pro. i want to blame the moon or a wandering curse rather than my ineptitude. the macbook is drying much less quickly than my hope, which is a desert indeed. i am on the old powerbook g4 now and she is like revisiting an old friend, the metal casing more silken and comfortable, the weight and warmth on my lap and a screen big and matte that i want to fall into like another world's sky.

something i think that is true about myself is the closeness with which i clutch my emotional deck. i have done a whole lot of moping on the internet, though, so this is where i come. surrogate realities aren't supposed to be healthy but i have been here for awhile and the rest of the world only journeys further in; enter one of my life's major dichotomies: a religious reverence and passion for nature with the other foot firmly planted in pixels.

it feels good to write on this keyboard, the keys are softer on the edges though they require more robust fingers; i imagine this is how another generation found typewriters

i don't know how long it has to be this way; my vision is blurry i am so tired and my tongue is tethered to secretary-speak. i don't know if i'll ever be strong enough to go back to school (financially), the more i feel like i am failing myself on all of my potential futures out of rabbit-fear the more i feel like a big old cliche
i find it difficult to stand up for myself because it's less painful to shut it away; disengage. i bought jeans on ebay and when they arrived they were clearly counterfeit, didn't fit, and had a broken zipper. the seller charged me $12 to ship it in a $4.75 flat rate envelope (i know these things because i ship a lot of legal documents in flat rate envelopes). i wrote a very polite and frank refund request to send back with the jeans and it's sitting next to me just making me ill, confronting someone who is clearly a random asshole trying to play me for a rube. it makes me feel so darkly bruised; deeply embarrassed, to think i may make someone feel ashamed or resentful toward me. i recognize that i "should not"' feel this way.
i don't know how to be more brave in the ways that matter