Wednesday, April 21, 2010

neuroses

i think when everything in life is generally going okay my brain is wired to shift the load of ridiculous thinking and anxiety to other areas, which is why i've been having panics almost every morning about how "fat" i "am"

but i mean really everything's pretty great
and green and the flowers

what sucks though is how when i'm pulling myself from this shit-winter and this season and my life are starting to become me very much it seems like so many of my friends are getting real down,
maybe i have just never really had friends like this and
this is how things are, riding varying and irrepressible little waves
next to each other, those at their crests always reaching down to support

2 comments:

JESS!CA said...

The potentiallity of thinnerness never = fatness. There is only health! Let's all be it as much as we can?

Maybe when you are at your healthiest you look for more visible ways to perfect now that you be feelin fine, and then you think APPEARANCE and CONDITIONING and WOMANHOOD and CONTROL. Maybe also there are those of us prone to self destructive patterns of rewards and punishments who, upon eliminating one, look for others as a time marker and control indicator. Or those of us who think, either because of nature or nurture or who knows what all, that we are in some ways not deserving and if what all the world seems to be giving us is good we do not deserve, reason and a sense of justice dictates we must be punished in some way, must not get off scot free.

Whenever you feel panicky and in need of levying some self reason/justice/punishment, think about what kind of reasonable self rewards you deserve for being awesome and caring and wise and magical and quitting smoking this year!

Sometimes I wonder if reaching is all that exists between two people who are legally or familially unrelated. The arms that stretch and hands that meet in spaces between bodies.

hedonista said...

For instance: whenever anyone says something to me about "could be thinner/more in shape" I have to stop myself from digging my claws into the fat of my belly and tearing it out like I'm made of bloody clay because clearly they are just politely trying to tell me I am disgusting and kidding myself that i have a body resembling "normal" or "sexually appealing" but their friendship towards me prevents them from being brutally honest.

this is literally how I felt reading the first part of your comment

SEE WHAT I MEAN ABOUT THE CRAZY