Thursday, April 8, 2010

a big deal thing that happened for me

tonight i met who i tell people is my favorite author, because he is. It was pretty cool, except in that way where it's painful to go to a public event starring a famous person you admire because everyone in the audience fawns and makes fools of themselves trying to be the one stunningly intelligent individual to whom the famous person they also admire will pay attention and/or invite to become best friends.
It reeks of shame and is uncomfortable because you share these urges to be noticed. To say "You are my favorite" and hear it back is one of the biggest human deals I guess.

I should say that these days lately have all been days of note for their newness and the novelty of relative contentment. [There is always restlessness; the various urges to put things into myself or release things from myself.] My only guilt comes from keeping all of this beauty locked in my head, probably out of laziness, or fear. Both are familiar in spite of evidence to the benefits of quelling them. I am often lazy and afraid. I do not write enough or as well as I could/should because I am lazy, and afraid I and/or it will never be enough, what with apparently the answer to almost everything in the world being steeped in ambiguity, so f it.

I want my friends to see how important they are to me despite the laziness and fearfulness which extends deeply into my social abilities. I am good at the one-on-one romance when I choose to be; it is secretly the thing I am best at in the world.
I know a fact of myself is that I am ideal in harmony. Friendsss will always be novel and odd; with almost singular exception I don't know what it is to have a long friend. My friendships throughout childhood were, in retrospect, eerily like relationships, and I was pretty fucking bad at them, because kids don't ever know what the fuck. I'd always have one female "best friend" whom I kind of idolized and yearned to be like/around, and I would really just soak myself in this girl and and it felt like I was absorbing her magic, learning secrets of how to be a female/human, with the swelling joy of loyalty and the cultist quality young girls have. Then, we'd crumble, and it always felt like my fault, though I didn't mourn or regret the loss terribly. Childhood moved swiftly and these losses were easy to shrug.
What I'm trying to say is, I literally never knew that when you're a grown-up having friends can be like having a sleepover every single night you see them. Haha, I meant something else but I'm really so tired now guys. You guys, my friends who read this, I'm writing to myself but also to you always, and for some reason the sharing makes me able to write more and better than I ever could inside on my own.

anyway, what i did tonight (then bed, then new job i am actually enjoying):
I wish I'd brought something to sign, so I could have a few of his words, but I didn't. I just shook Tom Robbins's be-ringed hand he looked up into my eyes curiously and I said, "Hello it's nice to meet you," and he grinned and said "It's nice to meet you too, who are you?" and I said "I'm Sarah."

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