Thursday, May 22, 2008

i don't give a don't give a don't give a

THIS SHIT SUCKS BUT I WROTE IT.  It is my feelings.

I always cry when I overdraw my bank account.
-$1.63
OVERDRAFT FEE
-$31.63
If I hadn't tipped that bartender
if I hadn't bought those two yogurts
I needed that extra half-gallon of gas
the line is still below empty
my speedometer is too tired to lift its head
I move at a pace that feels right
and always feel hunted.
My boyfriend slams doors when I cry
and curses and plays loud metal while he showers
and now I'm weeping to judas priest.
I think maybe if he had a job
and took care of me like he promised
when we first no
no nevermind I'm being stupid.
Everyone is looking under their brows at each other
whenever I speak or move.
Maybe if my job paid me this week instead of next
maybe if they paid me more than seven dollars
for an hour of me
maybe if they didn't treat me like a stupid child
which is especially enraging
because they are stupid
and i hate the job so much anyway.

Maybe if my dad didn't erupt in indignation 
when I tell him I need to borrow
a little bit more, and cringe and grin embarrassed
I don't think he knows how much things cost anymore.
I guess I can sympathize,
I still feel like the mid-'90s weren't over ten years ago
I, I, I, I, I-yai,
Maybe if I hadn't spent so much sedating
and waking myself and knocking myself out again
maybe if I hadn't been scared to go outside
for a few months this year.
Maybe if I weren't a LAZY FUCK.
Maybe if I didn't feel crushed by the NECESSITY
of pleasing everybody, or at least not making them angry.
Maybe somebody will buy me a drink this weekend.
And cigarettes.
Maybe if my cats didn't eat such expensive fucking food.
But their eyes glow and their fur is so, so, so soft.

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