i don't give a don't give a don't give a

THIS SHIT SUCKS BUT I WROTE IT.  It is my feelings.

I always cry when I overdraw my bank account.

-$1.63

OVERDRAFT FEE

-$31.63

If I hadn't tipped that bartender

if I hadn't bought those two yogurts

I needed that extra half-gallon of gas

the line is still below empty

my speedometer is too tired to lift its head

I move at a pace that feels right

and always feel hunted.

My boyfriend slams doors when I cry

and curses and plays loud metal while he showers

and now I'm weeping to judas priest.

I think maybe if he had a job

and took care of me like he promised

when we first no

no nevermind I'm being stupid.

Everyone is looking under their brows at each other

whenever I speak or move.

Maybe if my job paid me this week instead of next

maybe if they paid me more than seven dollars

for an hour of me

maybe if they didn't treat me like a stupid child

which is especially enraging

because they are stupid

and i hate the job so much anyway.

Maybe if my dad didn't erupt in indignation 

when I tell him I need to borrow

a little bit more, and cringe and grin embarrassed

I don't think he knows how much things cost anymore.

I guess I can sympathize,

I still feel like the mid-'90s weren't over ten years ago

I, I, I, I, I-yai,

Maybe if I hadn't spent so much sedating

and waking myself and knocking myself out again

maybe if I hadn't been scared to go outside

for a few months this year.

Maybe if I weren't a LAZY FUCK.

Maybe if I didn't feel crushed by the NECESSITY

of pleasing everybody, or at least not making them angry.

Maybe somebody will buy me a drink this weekend.

And cigarettes.

Maybe if my cats didn't eat such expensive fucking food.

But their eyes glow and their fur is so, so, so soft.