Tuesday, November 16, 2010

change vs. fear vs. laziness

i'm still here. i tell myself excuses about all of my failings pretty much constantly; it is sometimes exhausting to live your life in this way.
excuses are not necessarily untruths, i.e. "sometimes the keyboard keys on this laptop stick and it makes writing anything suck"; "nobody but some close friends and random non-friends (who could be friends if you tried) and potentially stalking coworkers and family members even look over here at this public typing space"

an aside: hello audience, i need you, even if you are just the you out there alone right now and skimming and curious and kind of apathetic. my whole life the (non-family) relationships i've had have been characterized by something that i always felt was a "perverse closeness." i do not know how to connect in any other, more superficial, more easy-breezy way.
throughout childhood and adolescence my friendships were a string of intense female partnerships i entered into -- kate, meghan, courtney, andrea, anna, jess, charlotte, erin. each of these girls in turn would show interest and attention toward me and i would respond with cultish devotion, absorbing whatever parts of them that i could define and offering them my magic in return.

i wrote this song about the girl you hate whom i now also hate.
i also hacked her email account.
i will give you the best hand massage.
i made up this secret written language for us to pass notes in.

i don't know what these girls/friendships have to do with anything but i remembered and am discussing. i should like to return to a free-streaming daily mundane wordytime.
the girls would eventually tire or feel smothered upon realizing that they were my only friend or i don't know. in high school they were replaced by a string of equally intense boyfriends;
i regret that i am rarely able to experience humans for real in any other way (that is not shaded by my faux-but-adept social grace and anxiety). no matter how many people i am around, if i can't get this undefinable and rare soul-probe sunk into a kindred i am lost. i don't know how i am so fucking strong but require a one to hold my hand in order to accomplish basic things without monumental effort. i feel cursedly skilled like a fable.

oh, except on here, that is what i was getting to. i can get at you folks on here, from inside of me, and it is Important.

These Dark Times since the fall-back have made me shine onyx-like, glassy; i feel ready to be braver
my yoga instructor said "be open to change, let this breath change you" but i am not so good at letting

PRAGMATISM
this concept i am lately obsessed with
and consider myself defined by
(but it might be a cop-out)

it turns out i do have a lot to say (however narcissistic), i did not anticipate this but welcome it

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